Defeat the Devil’s Scheme to Ruin Your Relationships

Jesus taught that offense is inescapable.

It will come, but as believers, filled with His Spirit, we do not have to be overcome by offense. We can be a people who live at peace with God and our fellow humans both at home and within our vocations.

Psalm 119:165 says: “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.” I used to wonder where the people of peace who loved God’s law were. It seemed every Christian I encountered was offended about something or quick to take offense over nothing. Eventually, I decided that instead of trying to find these people of peace, I would become one.

Like most people, I used to be offended by everything. But God graciously delivered me from that. He gave me great peace as I learned to love His law and recognize offense early—before it could take root in my heart. God’s law is a law of love (see Romans 13:8–10). It works no ill toward its neighbor. It forgives. It values others. It teaches us to “take no offense” as we learn to love others with God’s kind of love. Love is the fulfilment of the law.

Three Types of Offense

Over the years, I have discovered three common types of offense the devil uses to deceive people and steal God’s Word from their hearts—imaginary offense, accidental offense, and actual offense. Perhaps the most common is imaginary offense. You may be wondering who in the world would sit around and use their imagination to get offended. But remember what happened with Saul. David loved him and served him loyally. And for a time, Saul loved David in return. But as jealousy rose up in his heart, Saul became suspicious of David. Soon that suspicion morphed into hatred, and Saul became deranged. He lost focus on what he was anointed to do—serve God as a good king—and became fixated on destroying David. Saul’s offense destroyed his life and ministry, but it was all in his head.

In Second Corinthians 10, Paul writes about vain “imaginations” or presumptions. He calls these imagined things strongholds that exalt themselves against the truth. And he gives us the cure—to use truth (the Word of God) to pull them down. When we are willing to deal with imaginary offense, when we are willing to take our thoughts captive and bring our minds to the “obedience of Christ,” strongholds will crumble (2 Corinthians 10:4–5).

Early in our marriage, most of our issues came from speculative imagination. We’d have a misunderstanding or disagreement over something, and I would just walk off—sometimes for hours. I needed time to process and think through the problem, but I never told Sue that. Every time I left, Sue thought I was leaving for good. I had to mature and learn how to work on the problem with her. And she had to learn to stop assuming the worst. Once we did that, our marriage became immeasurably more fulfilling and peaceful.

The devil doesn’t care if offense is imagined. He’ll take advantage of any offense—whether it’s real or not— to steal God’s Word from our hearts and destroy our relationships. If we don’t learn to process these things correctly, we, like Saul, will become bitter and barren in life. This happens in ministry all the time. A few people have become offended at me or someone else in the church for no reason at all. Sometimes, the person they’re mad at wasn’t even involved in what happened!

Once, a lady took offense at something I said during a church meeting. I was preaching about being a new creation in Christ and declaring who we are as a result. At one point, I said, “But we have a dumb head,” meaning that we are our own worst enemy. We have a tendency to blame the devil for every bad thing in our lives, but most of our problems come from our carnal, unrenewed minds, not the devil. Well, that’s not what this lady heard. She allowed Satan to tempt her into thinking I said she was a “dumb head.” Even though I’d already said, “We are the righteousness of God. We are heirs of God and joint heirs with Jesus.” When I said, “We have a dumb head,” this lady got so mad, she jumped all over her pastor and berated him for inviting me to speak.

But it was an imagined offense. I did not call her a dumb head. I said she had a dumb head. There’s a difference. We all have dumb heads sometimes. But it would be rude for me to call you that. You are not a dumb head. You are a child of God. And that’s what I said during my message. It took me five to ten minutes to convince that lady I did not call her a dumb head. I called her a new creation. I called her righteous and truly holy. I called her a member of the body of Christ, but Satan nearly stole that Word from her heart. The smartest day you and I will ever have as Christians is the day we realize we are not as smart as we think.

Romans 8:7 tells us that “the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.” That’s why we have to take our thoughts captive. That’s why we have to make our minds come to the obedience of Christ (see 2 Corinthians 10:5). We have to die to ourselves and our feelings—just like Jesus did when He chose to go to the cross (see Philippians 2:8).

God’s Word calls each of us to be soberly minded—especially leaders (see 1 Peter 5:8; Titus 2; 2 Timothy 4:1– 8). We cannot hold on to negative thoughts about others. So how do we deal with imagined offense quickly, so it doesn’t take root in our hearts? We must confront it. One of the best ways to do this is to ask whomever you’re struggling with, “Did you say or do this?” or, “What did you mean when you said or did this?” Nine out of ten times, the thing you’re struggling with is a misunderstanding. And when you confront the temptation to be offended, you overcome it.

If you’re worried about an interaction you’ve had with someone, go to that person. Ask for clarification, and, if need be, pursue reconciliation. Harboring imagined offense is not worth it. Pursue clarity and move on. The lady who took offense at my “dumb head” comment could have simply asked what I meant when I said we have a dumb head. Instead, she falsely accused me and caused her pastor a lot of grief. Thankfully, she came around once she understood what I was truly saying, and it changed her life. But that imaginary offense could have destroyed her. If she hadn’t gotten clarity, she could have falsely accused me for years. She would have sowed seeds that harmed others, and she would have reaped a negative harvest in the years to come.

The second kind of offense is accidental offense. I’ve been guilty of this, and I’m sure you have, too. We unintentionally hurt family and friends more times than we care to admit. I’ve forgotten my kid’s birthdays—never intentionally. But we get busy. Imagine if I purposely “forgot” my anniversary just to see how Sue dealt with it. That’s suicide. Nobody would do that. A young newlywed once asked me, “How do you remember important dates, like your anniversary?” With genuinely good intentions, I said, “Forget it just once, and you’ll never forget again.”

But if I dug a hole for every accidental offense I caused, I would be digging all day long. I once asked a lady when her baby was due, only to discover she wasn’t pregnant. I’ll never do that again! I was so embarrassed over that piece of stupid. Can you imagine the offense I created? Of course, I apologized, but I felt terrible. The key to overcoming accidental offenses is to understand that we are all imperfect. We need to walk in love and sow mercy for accidental offenses. Clearly, I have needed a lot of mercy in my life. But I give that mercy as well. If someone accidentally offends me, I do my best to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Some things in life we just need to learn to let go. First Peter 4:8 says, “…love covers over a multitude of sins” (NIV). The ability to overlook a transgression is a form of God’s love and presence in your life. People make mis- takes. They fall short. But if we’re easily offended, it’s because we don’t love. So learn to sow mercy. You may need it someday.

Good sense and discretion make a man slow to anger, and it is his honor and glory to overlook a transgression or an offense [without seeking revenge and harboring resentment] (Proverbs 19:11 AMP)

The third type of offense is actual offense. In this case, the offended party has read the situation accurately. Someone has truly wronged him or her in a meanspirited way, and it hurt. It may have even harmed that person’s reputation. This is the type of offense Jesus refers to in Matthew 18:15 when He says, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (NKJV).

This verse should be easy to apply, but it’s hard to do in real life. I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys confrontation. It’s uncomfortable. Most people prefer to avoid it. But it’s an important part of a healthy and functioning church. Notice, though, what Jesus said. “If your brother offends you, go to him alone.” Not to everyone, but to the one who offended you. When we don’t follow this decree, relationships collapse and more offenses are unnecessarily created.

I once knew a minister who got offended with me for “preaching heresy” and sought to destroy my relation- ships with other ministers. A good friend told me what this person was saying. So I went to him. (I wished he’d come directly to me instead of going to other pastors, so I knew I had to go to him.) When I lovingly confronted the man, he quickly admitted what he’d done. I asked him what heresy I was preaching, and together we listened to one of my cassette tapes. (Yes, it’s been awhile!) As we listened, the man kept saying, “It’s coming up in a moment...it’s coming up in a moment.” But we listened to the whole message, and he couldn’t tell me what I’d said in error. The man began to weep. He repented and apologized for what he’d done; unfortunately, some of the pastors took up his imaginary offense and relation- ships were damaged.

Relationships are important to God. They affect the quality of our lives. (Your life can actually be summed up in the depth of your relationship with God and your relationships with other people.) But relationships can also be hard. We keep those relationships healthy by loving people unconditionally and learning to forgive.

When we are wronged by someone, Jesus said we are to go to that person alone. “But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established’” (Matthew 18:16 NKJV). Jesus did not say to run your brother down before others. He did not say to get two or three people on your side and then crucify your brother with the mob. He said to find two or three independent witnesses who can help you process the offense and reconcile with your brother.

Then Jesus took it a step further. He said:

And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven (Matthew 18:17–18 NKJV).

Sometimes the church takes “binding and loosing” out of its original context. We talk about binding the devil here and loosing God’s will there. I am not saying this concept cannot be applied in that way, but the binding and loosing Jesus refers to here is dealing with forgiveness and the reconciliation of an estranged relationship.

If someone offends you, go to that person and try to find reconciliation. Don’t allow unforgiveness to creep in and destroy your life or anyone else’s. Submit to the biblical process. But even if that person is unwilling to reconcile, forgive that person anyway. Then move on.