How to Raise Faith-Filled Kids in Today’s Chaotic World

 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth (Psalm 127:3-4).

Before we break down the illustration of children as arrows, I want to remind us—there are no perfect parents.

Neither are there perfect children. We live in a fallen world. But that is exactly why we need God. Without Him, parenthood is a heavy weight, not a reward. Sue and I were not perfect parents; nor did God give us perfect kids. Yet He was faithful to us in the raising of them. And we took comfort in the thought that even God—the perfect Parent—who created two perfect adults, and placed them in a perfect world, did not see perfect results.

As adults, Adam and Eve chose to disobey God’s word and plunge the universe into darkness, sin, and death (Genesis 3:1-6; Romans 5:12). Though He was the only innocent party in their sin, God did not forsake them. He loved them. While there were still consequences to Adam’s sin, God remained faithful. He promised to send the Deliverer to rescue mankind and bruise Satan’s head. God wasn’t condemned over His children’s actions. And neither should we be condemned if our adult children choose to disobey. God will remain faithful—both to us, as imperfect parents, and to our children. He will not neglect His spoken word or His written Word.

People often ask if I have any regrets over parenthood; would I have done things differently had I known then what I know now. But that’s the thing. I didn’t know then what I know now. No one does. Sue and I acted in faith then, as we are acting in faith now. And God is blessing us now, as He did then. So, no. We have no regrets. Did we make mistakes? Absolutely! But because we loved God and our children and were faithful to our purpose as parents, God worked all things together for our family’s good (Romans 8:28).

Raising children is messy business. But God’s grace is sufficient in our human weakness, and He delights in bringing beauty out of ashes (2 Corinthians 12:9; Isaiah 61:3). Trust God to encourage you as you encourage your children in the ways of the Lord. We also hope you’ll allow Sue and I to encourage you with this image of children as arrows.

In the construction of an arrow, there are three obvious sections—the tip, the shaft, and the feathers. Each section serves a specific purpose, but all must work together for the arrow to experience success. The same is true of our children. There are three stages in child development (and thus child-rearing) that must work together to successfully launch them into the world—training, teaching, and transition. Our job as parents is to recognize the unique stage our children are in and make the most of every opportunity while they are still in our care (Ephesians 5:15-17).

The tip of an arrow is designed to hit a specific target. This speaks to the individual destiny of each of our children. Our children were created for a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11). Each has a divine design with gifts and personalities that match God’s plan and purpose for their lives. Part of our job as parents is to help them discover those gifts and learn to submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit, so they can take aim at their God-given purpose.

The shaft of an arrow determines its length. This correlates to the length of time God gives children into our care—20 years. In that time, we need to train our children to: submit to God (through obedience to us); teach them the ways of the Lord and prepare them for life outside our home; and then transition them into adulthood fully equipped to follow God and succeed in life. After 20 years, they are adults, responsible and accountable to God for their own decisions and choices.

An arrow’s feathers are for accuracy. Feathers guide an arrow through turbulent winds ensuring that the arrow hits its target. Without feathers, an arrow’s trajectory is unpredictable. It could harm others or even put itself at risk. This speaks to the spiritual principles we teach our children that guide them through difficult circumstances and keep them rooted in God’s love. Without these governing truths, our children will miss God’s purpose for their lives. They could also end up harming themselves or others.

Let’s look at each of these correlating stages more closely.

Stages and Ages

There are three stages of development in every child’s life: child- hood, adolescence, and adulthood. As parents, our role evolves through these stages. In childhood, we are focused on training and protection. In adolescence, our role shifts to teaching and preparation, and as our children approach adulthood, we transition them out of our care. We become their friend and full-time cheerleader. Before adulthood, we are not our child’s friend. We are their guardian and watchmen.

Scripturally speaking, children are considered adults at 20 years of age. In the Bible, 20-year-olds were required to pay the temple tax and go to war with the other adults (Exodus 30:14; Numbers 1:18-42).They were also held accountable for their sin. In Numbers chapter 14, God told the Israelites that those 20 and older would die in the wilderness because they refused to trust Him and enter the Promised Land. The only exceptions were Caleb and Joshua. They did not murmur against the Lord but believed (Numbers 14:29-30). Those under 20 years of age were considered children and not held accountable to God for their sin.

Training

Training is the stage of childhood from zero to approximately 10 years of age. This is the protective stage of parenthood. During this time, we train our children to obey according to Ephesians 6:1-3: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you, and you may live long on the earth.’” Though there is some teaching that happens in these years, the focus is training our children to obey us, as parents, so that one day they will be able to obey God. Proverbs 22:6 tells us to “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

The word child is significant in this passage. According to Strong’s Concordance, it is the “age of infancy to adolescence” (Strong’s H5288). But notice, we are to train children. There is a difference between training and teaching. Training involves repetition and consistency. It uses discipline, affirmation, and reward to instill good habits and life skills.

We don’t teach lions to jump through hoops or killer whales to perform on demand. We train them. The same is true for children. We don’t “teach” life skills once. We train them. (That’s why it’s called “potty training” not “potty teaching.”) From birth to at least eight, we hover over every action and decision our children make. We are helicopter parents. “Don’t eat that!” “Don’t touch that!” “Don’t scratch that!” “Don’t pick that!” “Be careful.” “Look both ways.” “Hold my hand; stay close.” We set boundaries for their safety and healthy growth, and when they function within those boundaries, we affirm their choices. “Good job!” “I’m proud of you!” “You are precious.” “That was awesome.”

We may even offer rewards for their obedience and accomplishments. The key to training is consistency and discipline. What we ask of our children can’t be wrong today but okay tomorrow. The consequences of their actions need to be consistent, which means we, as parents, must be diligent. Training children in these early years is a never-ending job. It requires repetitious instruction and demonstration, with lots of patience!

Teaching

Teaching takes place during adolescence, between the ages of 8 and 10 to 20. This stage of childhood covers the honor part of Ephesians 6:2, “Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise.” It is the preparation stage in which we teach our children to follow God and live well outside our home.

Proverbs says, “My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother. For they will be a graceful ornament on your head and chains about your neck” (Proverbs 1:8-9). The word son is significant in this passage. It is a different Hebrew word from what we saw in Proverbs 22:6. This word means “youth” (Strong’s H1121). This is the adolescent stage of childhood. A time is coming when our children will no longer be under our direct authority and will be responsible for theirown decisions, but it is not yet. There are things they need to learn first.

The adolescent stage is an important time of teaching and preparation for life. During this time, we prepare our children for marriage, for their future career (not necessarily specific skills, but helping them develop a good work ethic, teaching them to pro- cess persecution properly, to get along with unbelievers, etc.), and life in general.We teach them the principles and ways of the Lord, how to be responsible for their actions and accountable before God by focusing on character development, integrity building, and healthy habits so they can be productive adults.

During this time, we explain the why of obedience. We teach them how to trust God and submit to His Word in all things because we will not always be there. But what we teach them during this stage will follow them all the days of their lives (Prov- erbs 4:13 NIV). Even our discipline and correction during ado- lescence prepares them for the discipline and chastening of the Lord (Hebrews 12:4-11).

Transition

As our children approach age 20, we enter the stage of transition. We have protected them through childhood and prepared them for life outside our home; now, we are to propel them into their future equipped to succeed. By the time our children are 20, we should have resigned from “helicopter parenting” and laid down our role as “teacher.” Now we fill the role of friend and counselor (when asked), coach and cheerleader.

By this time, our children should be prepared for adulthood. They should know how to take responsibility for their actions, serve God and their families, and have a good work ethic. They should know they were created on purpose and with a purpose. They should be a giver, not a taker; serving others rather than being a drag on society.

For this stage, they need to know the basics of love—the intentional, God-kind of love that chooses to give freely of itself rather than be served through temporal feelings. This knowledge prepares them to have happy, healthy marriages and to be good parents for the next generation. Titus 2:4 (NLT) tells us that this kind of love is taught, not caught. “These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children.”

Our children also need to know how to find and fulfill God’s will for their life. By 20 they should be trained to seek God’s kingdom first and trust that, in Him, all their needs will be met (Matthew 6:33). They should have confidence knowing that God’s will for them is only good (Jeremiah 29:11).That no matter what happens, God is for them. He will work all things together for their good because they love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). And they need a solid understand- ing that transformation and the knowledge of God’s will happens through the renewing of their minds (Romans 12:2).

I cannot stress enough the importance of cutting the parental cord during this stage. You have had your children for 20 years. You have sown good seed into their life. You have trained and taught, protected and prepared them to make good choices, be independent, and follow the Spirit’s leading. It’s time to let them go. Let God take the lead and trust Him to be faithful to His word sown in their hearts.

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Genesis 2:24 NLT; Mark 10:7). This man in Hebrew and Greek is an adult. Adults leave their parents and cleave to their spouses. They get married and sow righteous seeds to create another family who will know what it is to worship and honor God alone. But what about those who don’t leave your house to marry or don’t marry until later in life? The parental cord of direct authority, oversight, and accountabil- ity must still be cut at adulthood, at 20.

Many parents wonder why their adult children avoid them or seem constantly frustrated with them. It might be because the parental cord has not truly been cut. They may fear being manipulated or treated like a child. They could fear your condemnation over their mistakes or your disappointment if they ask for advice then make a different decision. But in our new role as “friend,” our children need to know that we trust them to make good decisions or deal with the consequences of their bad ones as an adult. They need to know that we are for them—no matter what, and that we will only give advice when it is asked of us. We must land the helicopter and trust God to guide our children through the next season of their life.