A Husband Like Jesus
God has a very specific idea of the man’s role in marriage.
From the beginning, God intended that man be an image and reflection of God Himself, portraying God’s loving and generous characteristics to his wife and children. In fact, God’s definition of a husband is far greater than whatever images we’ve previously gathered from our family, our culture, our past, and whatever is portrayed through the media.
Just Like Christ
“The husband is the head of the wife as also [Greek word: hoce, meaning in that manner] Christ is the head of the church and He is the savior of the body” (Ephesians 5:23).Being the head in the marriage is clearly the husband’s position. However, being the head is not his only position; he must also represent Christ.
The head in a marriage cannot be domineering or tyrannical, because that’s not what we see as the example in Christ.
He is to be the head hoce1 (even as or in the same manner in which Christ is the head of the body).Without dispute, Jesus is the King and the Lord. But when we see how He personally imaged His Father, we also see how Jesus was void of an authoritarian, arrogant “serve me” attitude. We don’t see that attitude in the example of Jesus, do we? No. In fact, the opposite is true. So, it doesn’t matter what our example or experience has been naturally. An in Christ husband must get his example from Christ. In the same manner as Jesus is the head of the Church, a husband is the head of his marriage. But the verse straightaway includes that Jesus is also the Savior of the body.
So, as the head, the husband is to help, to protect, to save, and to nourish. He can do all of that from that place of headship.
“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her” (Ephesians 5:25 NLT).There it is again. Just as is the same Greek word hoce,1 which means in the same manner as. Husbands are to love their wives in the same way Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. In other words, a husband cannot be saying, “She’s my ol’ gal. She’s my old battleax” or equally unflattering statements. A husband is the head, but the purpose of his headship is to be the savior by loving and giving of himself. Why? Because that’s the manner that Christ takes headship toward the Church. Any way other than a husband loving and giving himself to the wife misrepresents Christ. Anything you’ve learned of Christ—His giving, His attitude, His demeanor and more—is not weak.
Jesus isn’t a pushover or a mouse of a man. He is strong, but He is also tender. Everything that a husband learns of Christ can be applied to himself.
An in Christ husband can rightfully and personally claim these characteristics for himself. This is bigger than culture or environment. Practical ways of how a husband loves and gives of himself can be manifested in different and unique ways in different cultures. Yet, without a doubt, Christ is to be imaged by husbands everywhere in the world. The truth and reality of this word must be flesh and dwell among us—in our homes, in our marriages. There’s more. Notice what Ephesians 5 goes on to say in the next few verses:
“So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church (Ephesians 5:28-29).There it is yet again. The husband is to love his wife just as or the word hoce —in the same manner—a man nourishes and cherishes his body. We know that Jesus does that with the Church. So that’s what a husband, as the head of a marriage and the one that gives of himself, must always do.
The in Christ husband must nourish and cherish his wife in the same way Jesus does the Church.
Look at Adam’s first words regarding the one that God made from his side: “Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:22-24).Husband and wife are one flesh. That’s why God designed for a husband to take care of his wife because she is one with his own flesh. The husband is not to treat his wife differently or lower than himself. If he demeans his wife, he demeans himself. If he dishonors her, he dishonors himself. If he abuses his wife, he abuses himself.
Paul was quoting the Genesis account of the first man and woman in his connection with these words:
“We are members of His body, of His flesh and His bones” (Ephesians 5:30).This was in the original intent, purpose, and image in the beginning, embedded in the reason why God even created man and woman.
God’s original design and pattern is that by looking at the way a man treats his wife, we would know how Jesus treats the Church.
The invisible is again imaged by the visible. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).Notice, it does not say one spirit. When you’re born again you’re one spirit with the Lord, 1 Corinthians 6:17 tell us. However, when you get married, you’re not one spirit with your mate, but you do become one flesh. At this point, you’ve got double flesh to work with! (Actually, you become one flesh with anyone/thing you have sex with according to 1 Corinthians 6:16 GNT).Paul repeats the instruction to the in Christ husband: “Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself” (Ephesians 5:33).In other words, in Christ husband, you take care of yourself. Now, take care of the person that is your wife, even as your own flesh. You would never hurt your own flesh, so don’t ever hurt her. Let’s look at what husbands are to do even as (hoce—in the same manner) Jesus would do.
Be the head of the marriage
Be the savior – protect and supply
Love
Give himself for his wife
Nourish and cherish his wife
Because a husband’s relationship to his wife personally represents and images (or misrepresents) Christ, there’s significant instruction to the in Christ husband. Let’s look again at Ephesians 5.
Divine Equation
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25-27).It’s important that the truth of this verse is applicable. Something for us not just to know but actually to do! The blessing is in the doing. So, let’s break it down a bit. Every husband desires his wife to be pleasing to him. It’s important to him that she does certain things or behaves in a certain way. I surely discovered right away that Tony had personal preferences and desires for me as a wife. For example, I never locked doors. Being from a small farm community, none of us ever locked doors. Plus, we left the car keys in the ignition. Oh my! Did that ever have to change! Tony wanted doors locked and keys not left in the car. Similarly, it’s true that each husband has personal preferences regarding his wife that make her “glorious to him.”
Let’s paraphrase verse 27 with the thought in mind that the husband is to represent Christ and the wife is to represent the Church: “That the husband might be able to look upon his wife and see that she is glorious and perfect for him; not being contrary or doing the things that bug him but doing the things that he likes and prefers, and that she really be completely his and does what is pleasing to him” (Patsy’s Paraphrase).Okay, in what world does this exist? Remember, this verse is describing God’s description of an in Christ husband and an in Christ wife. We’ll get to the wife’s part later, but first let’s continue with the husband.
What we just paraphrased is verse 27—not verse 25. Let’s examine this carefully. Verse 27 comes after verse 26, which comes after verse 25. I call attention to this because what happened in the fall is that the order was mixed up with the expectation of verse 27 coming first. In other words, a man wants his wife to be what he wants: “Do that, be that, and I will love you.” No! God designed it the other way around. The first Adam mixed it up.
Notice carefully the divine order Ephesians 5 lays out:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church….” Who loved first and best? The Church or Christ? When did Christ love us? Be- fore we were Why do we now love Christ? Because He first loved us. Why will your wife want to lavish you with love years into marriage? Because her mother told her that’s what she’s supposed to do and it’s her duty? No! Do you see that kind of love would be so much less than the best?
The husband loves first-- before the wife gets it right, before she is pleasing, before she is doing all that he'd like and not doing things that are troublesome.
In Christ husbands love their wives in the same manner as Christ did the Church. Aren’t you glad that He loves us before we get it all right? An in Christ husband is to love even as (hoce) his dad? His grandfathers? His mates or uncles? No. While these examples may or may not be good, the in Christ husband’s standard is Christ. Christ loves first.
“…and gave himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word….”
Anytime the word that appears in the Bible, it’s good to read it with the word so in front of it. Let’s read the phrase above that way: Jesus loved the Church, gave Himself for her, so that or in order that—keep going— He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of the water of the Word.
Paul said to Timothy:
“All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).Besides correction and instruction, how else does the Lord speak to us? The Word also says that prophecy, or God-inspired words, or words that build the Church, are words of edification, exhortation, and comfort (1 Corinthians 14:3). In the same way, an in Christ husband will talk to his wife like Jesus talks to the Church and will build his wife up with words that encourage, advise, and comfort.
So, we see the words of Jesus aren’t correction only. Think about churches where all the people ever hear is correction and condemnation. What happens to those kinds of people? Those believers become pathetic and hopeless, thinking, I can never do anything right. They doubt God loves them because hearing only correction implies that love is conditional and must be earned.
Husbands are to love just as or even as Christ loves. So, the way in which Christ loves and gives of Himself is not saying, “I’m the head. Do what I tell you to do, and then I’ll treat you nice.” No, that kind of thinking is definitely first Adam’s race. It is fractured, and it definitely misrepresents Christ.
On the other hand, it would be totally untrue for a wife to think that an in Christ husband only speaks encouraging and affirming words that never correct her. Why? Because we see in Hebrews 12:6 that the Lord corrects those He loves. Correction can be motivated by agitation, or it can be motivated by pure love. The way to know the difference between these motivations is that Jesus is loving even before He corrects.
God intended for unconditional love to be visible and tangible by watching how a husband treats and talks to his wife—before she does anything that pleases him.
If loving this way came naturally, the instruction wouldn’t have to be repeated so much. What is natural to the flesh is that a man will wait until his wife is glorious to him, without spot or wrinkle, and love her for that. Yet, it’s the opposite in Christ. The in Christ husband must love his wife before she deserves it. He must love her despite the spots and the wrinkles.
Of course, Jesus desires to present the Church to Himself as glorious, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing. He desires that the Church be holy and without blemish. Yet, the words Jesus uses to make you glorious are edifying, exhorting, and comforting as well as instructional, correctional, and reproving. Jesus uses words that are love inspired—and so must the in Christ husband. Love on purpose because it sets you up to be able to say the corrective things you need to say.
Words that come from Christ or the in Christ husband will be instructive or even corrective. But when the husband loves with the selfless kind of love and gives of himself, he can give instruction and even correction with more success (verse 26). If his instruction and correction follow verse 25, his wife will have an attitude of “What do you want me to do?”
Here’s the divine order and equation straight from Ephesians 5:verse 25 + verse 26 = verse 27.Loving your wife and giving of yourself to her using words that edify and comfort + words inspired by love that correct, instruct, reprove, and exhort = a wife who is glorious to the husband. In Christ husband, if you’re not getting what you want, you’re probably not doing it in that order.
Love on purpose!
The Bottom Line
“Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter towards them” (Colossians 3:19).Actually, this word bitter also is translated harsh. That’s one of the first Adam characteristics, but it’s not a last Adam characteristic, is it? Bitter also means sharp, cruel, severe, as bitter enmity, sharp with words, reproachful, and sarcastic.
According to the Creator, the bottom line to a husband is to love and give of himself, and women are to respect and submit.
The fall really broke that pattern, and men became dominant as God said they would. In response to that dominance, a woman pulls back, resists, and bucks. And God knew that as well.
When a wife doesn’t do what the husband says to do, the husband often becomes harder and harder: “Did you hear what I said?” “Are you stupid?” “What’s wrong with you?” When that happens, even if there is momentary compliance, something withdraws in a woman, because God didn’t hard-wire her to respond to dominance. He hardwired a woman to be like the Church responding to Christ and His love.
So, even though there may be seeming compliance, a husband who uses force and dominance to present his wife to himself as he wants her to be actually robs himself of glory. Why? A woman who does not submit from her heart cannot truly be glorious to her husband.
The husband then feels uncovered and unglorified, so he demands more, which makes the wife more resistant or defensive, which makes him yet again harsher, which makes her yet again more resistant. This cycle is an effective plan from the devil because it’s an ugly picture that would never ever properly reflect Christ and the Church.
This reality that non-submissiveness incites bitterness and harshness in the husband, which incites more non-submissiveness in the wife, is a relevant point in any nationality because it’s from Holy Scripture. This is not a cultural issue, and it’s not man made. Yet, the results are commonly an awful stand-off or full on strife. It’s the reason why there’s so much separation and divorce because it all comes down to irreconcilable differences.
What’s the bottom line? Love.
Does that mean you’ll feel loving all the time? No.
The Christ-kind of love is not a feeling; it’s something you do.
When Colossians 3:19 instructs husbands,“… love your wives and do not be bitter toward them,” it gives an indication there will be things wives do that make their husbands feel bitter. One way to love your wife is to choose not to be bitter. Remember, love is something you do!
For the instruction not to be bitter to make it into the Bible, means it’s pretty much what husbands may experience at some point in marriage. Face it, in every marriage there will be things that are agitating and hurtful. Are there husbands who enjoy glorious exceptions to this rule? Sure. But it’s not uncommon for husbands to deal with bitterness.
Get Smart
Peter also gives husbands instructions for living in the new in Christ race.
“In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7 NLT).The King James Version says it like this, “…husbands…dwell with them [wives] according to knowledge….”In Sparkling Gems, author Rick Renner points out that the words dwell with your wife comes from the Greek word sunoikeo2 and carries the idea of partnership and cooperation. So, to dwell with your wife is to seek a partnership and cooperation. A partnership amounts to walking with your wife according to knowledge. Not only is it important to acquire knowledge about your wife, but also it’s important to live by the knowledge you acquire. A husband who wants to find out more about what is important to his wife will ask questions.
People express and receive love uniquely. My husband and I have different ways we give and interpret love, and he had to learn my love language to him just as I had to interpret his love language to me. Make it a quest to learn about one another and how each receives love. By the same token, make it a quest to learn how you interpret love and live accordingly. Ask the Lord to help you express love. He’s good at it. I also highly recommend reading after people whom God has blessed with insight on the topic.
In the same way your knowledge of God can increase and become sweeter and sweeter as the years go by, you can also increase in your knowledge about your wife. This applies also for the wife knowing more and more about her husband. Because we’re spirits, there’s no end to a person.
If you become bored with your spouse, it’s because you’ve quit seeking to know him or her.
Don’t just know a person by his or her face, know what’s behind the face. Know what the person does, his or her personal history—know the whole person. Ask the Lord to show you secrets about your spouse that He knows and loves. Seek to learn him or her.
Tony and I got married in 1989, and I just learned some things about him this past year that I sure wish I had known a long time ago. But I had to seek to know it, and actually, I went to the One who knows Tony best to find out about him. Tony just found out some things about me that have enhanced our relationship, making it better than ever. Seek and ye shall find!
For many years, I had the privilege of serving the late Kenneth E. Hagin, a great man of God and a well-known Bible teacher.
One thing I respected about Bro. Hagin was that even though he was greatly used of God and knowledgeable in so many areas, he would read books on marriage.
He always wanted to improve his marriage and seek to know things about his wife so he could keep their relationship sweet. This dear man of God based this practice on 1 Peter 3:7. Keep learning about God your whole life. But if you’re married, learn also about your wife. She’s complex, but rather than just writing her off, seek to learn and acquire knowledge and live by it.
“Giving honor to the woman as the weaker vessel” – giving honor3 means to esteem, especially to the highest degree, dignity itself, honor, precious prize, cherish treasure, valuable and very dear. Interestingly enough, weaker vessel does not mean inferior or substandard. It carries the meaning in the Greek of something fragile and of great value to be treasured and handled with special care. In other words, the weaker vessel is extra precious.
Consider this phrase also from 1 Peter 3:7: “…that your prayers may not be hindered.” One reason this would be the case is because it’s such a misrepresentation of the head of the Church to disrespect your wife. It affects your ability to receive things from God as it affects the grip of your faith.
A great preacher, one who can absolutely preach brilliantly but disrespects his wife, misrepresents God. He may accurately and powerfully present the scripture, but if he misrepresents God by the way he treats his wife, in the end, he sabotages his ministry. On the other hand, the husband who loves his wife as these verses instruct can reflect, represent, and image the head of the Church more powerfully than a sermon. In seeing the in Christ husband, people can visibly see how Christ is. Now that’s glorious!
