Single and Looking for a Mate?
Have you ever felt as though the whole world revolves around married people? I have. Sometimes the devil may try to make you feel as if you’re less of a person because you don’t have a mate. He’ll try to make you feel inferior as if you’ve been put on a shelf and forgotten.
Discouragement comes knocking on everyone’s door at one time or another--and that seems especially true of singles.
But don’t be discouraged; God has not forgotten you! The Bible tells us that He’s always working on His plan for your life.Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6).Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass (1 Thessalonians 5:24 NASB).And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).God knows how you’re feeling and what it’s like to want companionship. Just hang in there because His Word is working, and His best is yet to come in your life!
Make God Your Source
It’s important to always remember that true joy comes from God alone—not just from being married.Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4).When we are aware of who lives on the inside of us, we can banish discouragement about being single. I want to encourage you to make God your Source. He wants to be your total Source of joy and security.The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1).We must continually remind ourselves that our security and confidence come from who we are in Christ, not in what we do or even to whom we’re married. We must focus on becoming secure in God, because if we’re insecure and we end up with someone who’s insecure, we just end up with two insecure people married to each other!There are a lot of single people who think that being married is the answer to all their problems, but it isn’t. We all probably know married people who could testify to that fact.I always say this:
I’d rather be single and happy, than married to the wrong one and miserable!
I’ve known people who became overly anxious about getting married and just settled for less than God’s best. Purpose in your heart not to settle for second best but wait for God’s best no matter how long it takes.There were many great people throughout history who were single. Jesus was single! As far as we know, the apostle Paul was single, and Daniel was single. There have been a lot of great men and women of faith who weren’t married and served the Lord with excellence. Whether you want to be married or not, you can still serve the Lord with excellence right where you are by seeking Him first and putting your faith in Him.
Rejoice over the Blessings of Others
Most of my friends are married, and I’ve been to a lot of weddings. I’ve even been in them, but none of them have been my own! Now that could be discouraging. When you see someone else getting blessed and marrying the person of his or her dreams, it can be tempting to feel jealous. Purpose in your heart that you will not yield to those feelings. Look at what the Bible says to do.Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep (Romans 12:15).Please know that just because you have a thought of jealousy doesn’t mean you have sinned. It’s when you yield to those thoughts that you get into trouble. It’s just like resisting any other thing that tries to attack you, such as sickness or poverty. You resist it at its onset.…Resist the devil [stand firm against him], and he will flee from you (James 4:7 AMP).We’re to resist him immediately! In other words, do not wait until jealousy sets in to such a degree that it becomes a stronghold. Rebuke it now. Simply say, “Jealousy, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. I refuse to be jealous. I will rejoice over the blessings of others, and as I do, the Lord will bless me too.”
'Am I Called to Be Single?'
I’ve met a lot of singles who ask with fear in their voices, “What if I’m called to be single?” If you want to be married, then you’re not one of those!
God wants to give you the desires of your heart!It’s also never too late! Some people think they’re too old to get married, but it’s not true. One time an 84-year-old man asked me to pray with him for a wife. At first I thought he was joking! But that was really the desire of his heart.So, I said, “Sure, if that’s the desire of your heart, then God will give it to you. I’ll pray with you!” We prayed, and do you know it wasn’t too long after that, that God brought him a beautiful wife, and they have a wonderful relationship. She was 75, and he told me later that he married a younger woman! God can give you the desire of your heart, too, no matter how old you are or what your circumstances may be.
Don’t Be Afraid
Every time I talk to a group of singles, there is always someone who says they don’t want to be married. And that’s fine, as long as you want to be single for the right reason. But sometimes people want to remain single out of fear and not because the Lord is leading them to be single.Too many times our lives are about “failure avoidance.” We’re so afraid of failure and rejection that we determine never to get married because we don’t want to be hurt again. I’ve known many people who put walls up because they’ve been hurt in the past, saying, “I will never be involved in a relationship again.” Really, they’re saying that out of fear, and they may be closing the door to a better plan for their life.I often ask these people, “Would you get married if you found the right person?” and they almost always say yes. So, I want to encourage you to examine your heart and not be afraid to believe God for a mate.Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart (Psalm 37:4).
God wants to give you the desires of your heart, and that includes a mate. If it’s your heart’s desire to be married, then you can stand on God’s Word knowing that He will bring it to pass.
But notice what this scripture says that we should do first, and that is to delight ourselves in the Lord. In other words, we should not allow our thinking to be so consumed with wanting to be married that we miss what God has for us in this season of our life. Because you know what? You can never go back in time. So enjoy the season that you’re in right now, and keep pressing into God.
Don’t Wait for Your Mate to Get Busy with Your Vision
A lot of people I know have put their life on hold, waiting for the person they’re going to marry. They may feel called to the ministry, called to start their own business, or called to help in a certain place in their church, but they don’t take the step because they’re waiting for a mate before they start. In other words, they’re not going to do anything about fulfilling their vision until they get married.I liken that to the Rapture. We know that Jesus is going to return and that the Rapture is going to take place some time, but we have to prepare in the natural realm as though He’s not. For example, we still put money aside in savings for retirement, even though it’s possible that we may not even be here. We must keep on living and preparing for our future.
We need to live our single life as though we’re never going to get married, but we believe that we are.
Live your life and prepare for things as if you might not get married, even though you know you will. We’re to live like Jesus is coming tomorrow, but we have to prepare as though He may not come in our lifetime.For example, I bought a house when I was very young. Sure, I’d rather have a house with a husband, but since he’s not here yet, I thought it would be wise to have an investment. I also save money every month, and I have a retirement account, preparing for the future as though I won’t be married. (But I believe I will!) This is not a lack of faith, as some people would have you believe—it’s just smart!I didn’t wait for a mate to start preaching the Gospel all around the world. I went to Bible college right after high school, and it seemed as if everyone I knew met their husband there, got married, and left to go into the ministry together. Everyone, that is, except me!So I said, “Lord, I’m just going to take advantage of this time.” I knew that God had called me to preach, and from that time to this, I have been able to travel and preach all over the world. But that’s because I focused my purpose and my attention on fulfilling the call of God on my life and doing what He has called me to do.Looking back on it now, I can see that I may never have been able to do many of the things I’ve done if I had gotten married right away. I can see God’s wisdom in having me wait a little longer.
Get Busy
Don’t wait to do the things that God has put in your heart—get busy fulfilling your vision. Start doing what God has for you to do. If you’re not sure what God has for you to do, then I encourage you to get involved in your local church.That’s what I did in the beginning. I worked in children’s ministry for five years when I first got saved. There was a need, so I helped to fill it. As I worked for the Lord, my calling became clearer. You don’t always start out where you may end up. A lot of times people won’t help in an area because they’re not sure if that’s what God has for them, so they do nothing! I have found that once people get busy doing something for the Lord and being faithful, then promotion comes.When you bless people in your church, you are really blessing God Himself, and you cannot out give God. The book of Hebrews talks about how God rewards those who serve in the local church.For God is not unrighteous to forget or overlook your labor and the love which you have shown for His name’s sake in ministering to the needs of the saints (His own consecrated people), as you still do ( Hebrews 6:10 AMP).
Focus on being a blessing and what God has called you to be, and then everything else in your life—like getting married—will fall into place.
Enjoy This Season
If it’s our desire to be married, and we know God wants to give us the desire of our hearts, then we know that we are single only for a season. So we might as well enjoy this season!To be able to enjoy this season, we must get into faith instead of being anxious. I believe, friend, that God is ordering your steps and preparing the right mate for you. So it’s really important that you watch your words and agree with Him. Words are powerful! They are like containers. They carry power.Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof (Proverbs 18:21).That means we need to stop saying things like, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get married!” Instead, we should speak words of faith over our lives.I remember one day when I was feeling sorry for myself. (I know you’ve never been there!) The devil was reminding me of all the people who were married and reminding me that I had nobody. Has that ever happened to you? Right then, I turned on the TV and I saw a preacher who, right when I tuned in, just happened to be saying, “Stop your bawling, squalling, and crying!” I tell you, he jerked the slack right out of me!And I realized something at that moment. God cares about my feelings and the struggles that I’m going through, and that means He cares about you, too. But the only way something is going to change in our lives is by our faith! Whether we like it or not it’s our faith, not our tears, that changes circumstances. So that day I purposed in my heart not to be caught in the trap of self-pity and depression, but to believe that God is working behind the scenes.
Speak to Discouragement
All of us have had opportunities to get discouraged, as I mentioned before. Even Jesus Himself was tempted to be discouraged. In Matthew 16 Jesus told the disciples how He was going to go to the cross and suffer the most horrible death any human being ever suffered. Now that could be discouraging.Right at that moment, Peter stuck his foot in his mouth.Then Peter took him, and began to rebuke him, saying, Be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee (Matthew 16:22).In the Greek translation of this verse, Peter is literally saying to Jesus, “Pity thyself.” In other words, Peter was trying to get Jesus to feel sorry for Himself. Actually, it wasn’t Peter; it was the devil himself. He is the source behind all discouragement.
You and I must realize the source of our discouragement and do what Jesus did about it.
And that is, He spoke to it! He spoke to discouragement. In verse 23 He said, “…Get thee behind me, Satan….” Whenever self-pity tries to come your way, be like Jesus and command it to leave your life.Your words are very powerful. After you speak to discouragement, you can start saying, “I believe I’m full of joy,” because Proverbs 15:23 says, “A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth….” Even your level of joy is determined by the words that you speak.
Don’t Worry, Be Happy
You can trust that God is ordering and directing your life. Maybe you’re single right now and that’s not what you want, but that’s where God has you. You can say, “Lord, there must be a purpose in this, so I’m going to take advantage of this season. And I’m going to minister to people and be a blessing.”The steps of a good man [or woman] are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way (Psalm 37:23).If that verse is true (and it is!), then we can enjoy this season of being single.Now, a lot of people think that scripture says, “Our leaps are ordered of God”! Have you ever wanted God to order your leaps? I have! I’ve wanted to go from one place to the next and be there NOW! But He does things in steps, not in leaps.If you’re not careful, you can allow the devil to discourage or depress you because it seems to be taking too long, and then you begin to turn inward. A lot of times we start to think only of ourselves because there’s no one else around to think of. Then we become consumed and concerned with only ourselves. If we’re not careful, it’s very easy for single people to become selfish.We need to reach out to other people and not allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re not whole. You can still be single, sanctified, and satisfied! This might be a revelation to you, but you can be single and happy at the same time!Many single people think, When I get married, then I’ll be happy. But they get married and they’re still not happy! So they think, Well, when we have kids, then I’ll be happy. They have kids and they’re still not happy, so they say, When the kids move out, then I’ll be happy! And then the kids move out and they’re still not happy.Sometimes we’re waiting for that special place in our life to be happy, but we need to learn to enjoy every phase of our life NOW. God has you here right now for a reason, so enjoy it!I remember one time I was having lunch with a very well-known minister of God and she said to me, “Kate, looking back over my life, if I could do anything differently, I would learn to enjoy every single phase of my ministry.”You see, a lot of times we’re not happy in each phase of our life because we’re waiting for the next one to come. So we have to purpose in our hearts to be happy right where we are.
That means we should enjoy where we are on the way to where we’re going!
Marry a Boaz Not a Bozo
One of my favorite stories in the Bible--about Ruth and Boaz in the book of Ruth--proves this very point.To give you some background, Ruth was a Moabite woman, which meant she grew up worshipping pagan idols. She didn’t know God. But she married an Israelite who had come to live in the country of Moab. Then her husband died, and so did her father-in-law. Ruth’s mother-in-law, Naomi, was heartbroken and wanted to go back to her homeland of Israel. She told Ruth she could stay in Moab, but Ruth wouldn’t hear of it. She loved Naomi and begged to be taken to Israel with her.But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me” (Ruth 1:16,17 NIV). So Ruth left her whole family and way of life to go with Naomi and take care of her. Back in Israel, Ruth went to work in the fields to support herself and Naomi, and she met Boaz, who was the owner of the fields. He was a honey with money! He fell in love with her and married her.Because of Ruth’s faithfulness to Naomi and because she turned to God, the Lord ended up rewarding her by giving her a new husband, a son, and a privileged position in the lineage of King David and even Jesus Christ Himself.I want you to notice that Ruth wasn’t seeking after a husband. She was laying down her life for someone else by serving a woman of God. She was putting the things of God first, and God made sure she got the desire of her heart.
What you make happen for others, God can make happen for you!
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you (Matthew 6:33).Notice this Scripture says, “seek ye first,” not third, fourth, or fifth! When you put God first by seeking Him (through daily prayer and Bible reading), He will see to it that you are rewarded.…for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him (Hebrews 11:6).The Greek word for rewarder means “wage payer.” In other words, it pays to serve God! We need to seek God instead of seeking a mate. He will take care of the rest. The story of Ruth is a good reminder that when God rewards you, He does better than anything you could do for yourself. God has a Boaz waiting for you, so don’t settle for Bozo!